Trying to Conquer Art Fright

"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"  -Vincent Van Gogh

  

I am not afraid of a lot of things.  I'm not particularly fond of heights, but that is the start of a really short list.  

One of my biggest fears is showing people my paintings.

I know that is doesn't seem like a huge deal.  They're just some paintings I did.  They're just pictures!  I should get a grip about it.

 

But, I have been paranoid to show anyone.  In fact, most of my painting live under my couch. That's where they go after they are finished and dry.  I must have 12 of them under there; not to mention the ones that are half finished.  I feel over protective of them.  I usually don't even want to talk about them.  I have friends that know I paint, but I don't usually display my stuff, so they never ask about it. 

 

Instead, I display my friends' work, who I think are real artists.  I have paintings and prints up all over the place in my home.  I love them, they are unique and colorful, and beautiful.  And representative of my friends' lives.  My friends who seem so open and honest about their lives.  Who are happy to create and show and sell their paintings.

I, on the other hand, have not been completely honest about my life.

My life has been rife with secret-keeping.  Secrets about my depression and PTSD, and the story of how I came to live with them.  I never told anyone about what had happened to me.   Instead, I painted.  I painted things I liked seeing.  Or abstract things to take my mind off of my problems.  They brought me comfort.  And it feels like, whatever anyone says about the paintings, is a judgement on my experiences and feelings; on what led up to my painting them.

To say the least, this is not a healthy relationship to have with any items.

So, today I am going to take a risk.  

Here are some of the paintings that lived under the couch.  Now, they live on the wall.  I have to look at them everyday.  I remember the comfort I felt painting them.  And regardless of what people say, that won't change.  That is the meaning in the painting for me.  Whatever anyone else feels, is separate from that.  And if I remind myself of this, I think I can conquer this case of art fright.   

Jazz Diptych, Singer- Panel 2 2005

Jazz Diptych, Keys- Panel 1 2004

Untitled, 2011

Who knows?  I may just erase this post and pretend it never happened.  I hope I have the courage to leave it up though.