If we're being honest...

Here is something I don't want you to know about me: I have severe depression and anxiety as a result of my PTSD.  I am a champion at hiding it too.  D is the only person who has the honor chore of dealing with me when I'm down. 

Lately, I have been feeling like I'm drowning in work, but not necessarily in a bad way.  If I'm busy, then I don't tend to think about all the bad things I've done.  I keep my mind on my work, and in teaching that's good- there is always something to do.  I'm a workaholic, and that's good for me, it keeps me on track.

Now I have the summer off to do what I want.  And to think.  And that is not good for me.  Because sometimes I can't control what I think.

Lately I've been thinking about how I feel like I let someone die.  Let me explain: 6 years ago now, I was a working in a shelter.  One shift, a co-worker came to get me because she said "a client is dying!"  This co-worker was prone to exaggeration, so I went over to check it out. It turns out she was in distress.  I'm good in a crisis, or at least I was; I did CPR, had her call 911 and let the EMS in.  While doing CPR I broke the client's ribs.  I was told this was normal.  By the time EMS arrived it was too late.  I have so much guilt around this event.  I think about that CPR all the time.  I wonder if I did something wrong, and that lead to her death? What should have I done differently?  I remember my co-workers hollow words and accolades.  I had to leave that workplace not too long after.  I couldn't stay there.

I've also been trying to shame myself out of this state.  I've worked with former child-soldiers for heaven's sake!  Those teens I couselled had it way worse than I ever did. 

The doctors called what I was feeling "Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder," and "Vicarious Tramatization."  In short, I'm really empathetic. 

Now, I don't have a hard life.  I have a career I love.  A partner that is awesome and challenging.  A great and growing relationship with my parents.  Financial security and all that.  But I can relate to people who have had a hard go of it.  And I have met and counseled many people who have survived terrible situations.  Nightmarish events.  And I can remember them all.  I have seen and heard about the worst that humanity has to offer.

So I have this side that makes me sleep all day sometimes.  That makes me miss the important life events of my friends.  That makes me lie to people I care about when they ask how I am.

And its not all the time.  I feel pretty good today, I went for a walk this morning to get a cup of coffee, and I took this picture of some beautiful flowers outside our place.  I worked hard on my course work this morning, and I feel like making something this afternoon.

But I don't know how I will feel tonight, or tomorrow.

And that is the most frustrating thing.  These feelings have made me cancel plans, and abandon vacations in the past.

I guess I am writing this so that people understand, it is not you that makes me miss your wedding,  your birthday party,  your dinner party.  It is me.  And it isn't something I will be able to fix right away.  I've been working on it.  For years.  And I don't know if the end of it will ever be on the horizon. 

But I think that declaring that I'm not perfect and that I struggle with this depression is important.

I also try to remember the greatness that I see in people all the time.  I try to balance the evil with the good that people do.  I try to do good, because it is the right thing.  I've stopped reading and watching the news; I spend time with the people who remind me about the good on this planet, and I take pictures of things I think are pretty or miraculous.  I use my hands to make pretty things, or help people.  These are some of the ways I chase the sadness away.  I think there will always be a little sadness in me, and I want to hold onto that.  What I've learned that brought me this sadness is very important.  I want it to motivate me to make the world better though, not bring me to my knees.

This blog is a place where I want to share my accomplishments.  I think my ability to talk about my depression is a great accomplishment for me.  Do you struggle with depression or anxiety?  Is it a secret?