POMS 9: Crazy for Me

“I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself” - Mae West

I don't know, if I would have decided to dance on a public fountain a year ago.

I wasn't a diffident person, but I really liked to blend in.  And blend I did.  I only wore ponytails.  I always wore jeans and a plain (usually dark) t-shirt.  I always wore boots.  Even in the summer.  Then I switch to Birenstocks, but the plain brown kind.

I didn't want to stand out.

I didn't want to stand out, because standing out made me a target for people to say rude, hurtful oppressive things to me.  I didn't want to stand out, because hiding in plain sight was a safe and easier existence.  Mostly, I didn't want to stand out, because although I didn't hate myself, I didn't love and value myself.
 
I saw myself as the funny fat girl; I shone because of my personality, not because of my looks.  And I took that to heart.  So I never tried.  I was told that if I wore make-up, or dyed my hair, or wore dresses, that it looked like I was only trying to cover up that I was fat.  And I took that to heart.  I thought that being fat meant that I didn't try these things, cause I was fat, and it didn't matter what I looked like because I would only be seen as fat.

But not caring about what I looked like did have an effect on my mind.  I accepted that I was fat and therefore ugly, undesirable, asexual; all the lies that society tells fat people.

There was no defining moment that changed all that for me.  Just one day, I said "Eff it.  I think I look good."  And I decided to start wearing clothes that fit my personality.  I wore funny shirts, and skirts.  And colors, bright ones.   And dresses.  I allowed myself to wear dresses.

So now I dress for myself.  Just me.  (And maybe D.)  Because taking pride in my appearance helped me to feel what I should about my body-- pride.  And in the end, we should all be proud of who and what we are.  We should be crazy for ourselves.

 ::Head to Toe::

Dress: Old Navy

Shoes: Winners

Earrings: Silver Rose studs from Etsy

This is what I wore on my wedding day.  Pretty, casual, relaxed.  Just like me.