POMS 10: Falling Into Line

"Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line." -Lucille Ball

I used to move through the world with a series of rules and regulations for myself.  Ridiculous rules, that I had followed, only because I was sure it would limit the amount of staring and hurtful comments I would have to endure.

One of these rules was that I could not eat in public.

Such a difficult rule to follow, since the society in which I live, has a number of rituals that focus around eating.  I wouldn't go on dates that involved eating.  I didn't like to eat snacks at the movie theatre.  I hated going out for dinner or any other meal.  And I NEVER went to a buffet.  Ever.

The fear for a fat girl in these situations is pretty obvious.  And I took these to the extreme.  What was I trying to prove?  Maybe, that I didn't eat all the time.  Or, that it wasn't my fault that I was fat since, I ate so little.  In some weird way, this made me feel a little better about my body, because it wasn't my fault.  I didn't eat junk food, and I didn't eat out.

But that way of thinking is so damaging.  There was and is nothing wrong with my body.  I fell into a trap.  And finally, I felt the need to get out of it.   Like most of my revelations, there was not one instance that I decided to take the risk and go out to eat. Wait, it may have been the first time I was asked on a date.  The dude wanted to go out for dinner.  I was determined to go and act like a "normal person."  If people stared, I could deal with it for one night.

But, surprise!, no one stared.  No one took notice of me being there.

Like my arm mania, and my fashion-phobia, the rules I was living by didn't make anything easier; because they imprisoned me into my own style of self-hatred.  I don't think I ever felt like I hated myself, but upon reflection, I sure acted like I hated my body.  And that is just as bad.  As long as I followed my "rules" I couldn't love myself, because I wouldn't accept myself.  So nothing else worked out for me. 

So I started to let go of those "rules."  I eat when I want to and what I want to.  I started to accept who I am, and everything else came around.  Loving yourself liberated you in a way that nothing else can.  Having that feeling around has made it easier for me to go after my goals.  It really did help "everything else fall into line."   I even can stand the fat-phobic comments of strangers.  A woman commented on the amount of carbs I was eating at a buffet once.  She said that I should "leave some for others," that "it wouldn't help me lose weight," and I could "stand to lose a few." 

So I scooped a huge helping of potatoes onto her plate and replied, "Don't worry, I'll share the carbs.  But they won't help you be any less ignorant."
 

::Head to Toe::

Sunglasses: Winners

Earrings: These from Ten Thousand Villages

Scarf: Gift from Amsterdam, Netherlands

Jacket: Torrid

Shirt: Winners

Jeans: Winners

Shoes: Converse

Purse: Steve Madden

Here we are at week 10 of the "I am proud of my size" link-up from The Nearsighted Owl.  It has been so great participating.  I have read so many awesome, empowering stories.  I'm happy I joined!  Did you join, yet?