Wednesday 23 July 2014

Health at any size?



Oh Natalie Dee, you make anything funny- even this serious-ass post.

I'm thinking of buying a scale.   Hear me out. 

I am still a supporter the idea of "Health at any Size."  I am still proud of who I am and what I look like.

But 3 weeks ago this happened:
 
My mom had a heart attack, at 55 years old.  She had already been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, as had my dad.  My maternal grandfather had died of a heart attack.  My paternal grandmother has heart disease, had a triple bypass 10 years ago, and was in the hospital because of her heart 5 weeks ago.  My paternal grandfather was diabetic before he passed away in October.

Heath-wise, this has not been a great year for the Bass clan.

Health-wise I have been okay, other than some skin conditions and joint pain.  The joint pain is annoying, but something I could live with.

But, here's the thing:  I don't want to live with it.  Here's the other thing:  I don't want to have a heart attack too.

For a long time, my doctors have been telling me that I would be in less pain if I lost some weight.  For a long time, I have been telling them, that if I was healthy in other ways, could they be sure that it was my weight that was the problem?  I'm active, and I eat healthily, how was my weight an issue?

In terms of my pain, I have tried everything else.  

So I have changed a few things, yes with the end goal of losing weight.

But I refuse to pay into the billion-dollar industry that tells me I'm less than human because I'm fat.  
(But I have paid into it a little.  I bought a pedometer and started tracking my food intake.)

Its going ok.  I haven't weighed myself, but my clothes are bigger.  I haven't noticed any change, but others have.  Which is good I guess.  Right?  If I had a scale, I would have some concrete data to track my progress.

But I have some concerns.

1.  I am afraid that this is going to turn into an unhealthy fixation with food and calories.  I track everything I eat.  I worry about calories in excess.  I dream about the amount of calories I have for the day.  I plan my day around what I can eat.  Eating has turned from something I enjoy and look forward to, to a chore that is full of measurements and dissatisfaction.  And in some way, I get a sick feeling of pride from this.  "Look at my suffering!  I am doing what a fat person should do.  I am at war with food.  I am a noble, and good fat person from being miserable with food."  What am I doing to my self-esteem with this concentration on caloric input/output?

2. It's all for nothing.  I will do this, and be largely unhappy doing it, and nothing will change.  I will still be unhealthy and fat and have nothing to show for all this work.  I will still have a heart attack anyways.

3.  My fat friends/ blog buddies will shun me.  Will this be a weight loss blog?  Not likely.  But I will share things that work for me from time-to-time; and products I like etc.  Because this is a blog about me, and this is part of me now.

4.  That I will send the wrong message about weight-loss and fatness.  Because, sometimes, I get the message confused too. I feel good when someone compliments me on my "self-control" which is messed-up because they are really commenting on how my unhappiness is justified because I'm fat and enjoying food would be obscene. That I somehow agree with the idea that obesity is an "epidemic" and that thinness is the only way to be healthy.

5. Can I say that I'm a health at any size supporter, if I am "dieting?"

I know that I have some contradictory worries there, but, for me, this process is full of contradictions. I look forward to when exercise won't hurt.  I'm happy when my clothing is too big-- which again is messed up because I am happy that I am literally starving myself.  I want to be healthy, but I find myself wondering what my face will look like if I get thinner.  I rail against the diet industry, but search their website for ideas and recipes.  I say I'm against diets-- but aren't I on one technically?

Let's talk about this.  I need help figuring some of this stuff out.  Thanks for listening.




9 comments:

  1. 1) I'm was SUPER excited to see your blog in my feed today.
    2) I totally struggle with everything on your list. How can I still be "fat positive" and support all my plus-size blogger pals if I'm actively trying to shed some pounds? It took me some time to rationalize that whatever decision I made was for and about me. It didn't take away from my supporting anyone else in THEIR decisions about what was best for them. We all have our own thing and figuring out what that is can be tough.
    3) I became completely OBSESSED with what I was eating when I first started tracking, but it gets easier after awhile. Although I do really miss bread and pasta.
    4) You are AMAZING and have folks who are cheering you on every step of the way.

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  2. I LOVED LOVED LOVED this post! I'm so glad you wrote it and I really related to it! I don't know if I can gush enough! The contradictions and the worries...YES! It's like, you don't want your blog to be a report on what you ate/exercised/weighed/wore - BUT it is also a part of your life. And how to be body accepting and loving but at the same time want to lose weight? How will other people react? Should I care?


    And...for serious - HEALTH. It's important. I've talked a little (just touched the surface really) about how I don't eat healthy but when I do, I feel better physically. It's not JUST about eating healthful. It's about balance and taking care of yourself both emotionally and physically, which sometimes seem to go against each other.


    I am easily sucked into obsessing over it. I had to stop using MyFitnessPal because it would upset me so much and all the numbers I'd get so worked up over and the worst part is at the end of the day when you're done logging and the app tells you "If every day looked like today: you'd lose X pounds in X weeks." Or it will tell you: "If every day looked like today, you would weigh XXX pounds in XX weeks." And the lost pounds seem so small and the gained pounds seem so big. And also, the fact that the app comments on foods: congratulations! This is high in protein! Or "Be careful: eggs are high in cholesterol." Well guess what, MyFitnessPal? I'm still eating eggs for breakfast because egg whites alone are just...bleh.


    Anyway, loved this post and with your permission, I'd like to link to it on my blog.
    So excited to see you in my bloglovin' feed today!!!

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  3. I agree with Meg. In a super simple example: You can totally support someone whose favorite color is blue because blue is rightfully a color and why shouldn't they love it? But it doesn't mean that it has to be YOUR favorite color. You can totally like pink or periwinkle or black or whatever. Same thing with 'fat acceptance'... Just because you support others who willfully stay overweight and are good with that, doesn't mean you have to be too for yourself. If you are, GREAT! But if you're not, then you have to do what is best for you, while still supporting others. When it comes to 'fatness' I have my fair share. But I have always thought, I'm healthy and I'm fat so I'm good. NOT! Even though everything (blood word, blood pressure, ultra-sounds etc) all show I am indeed the picture of health . . . I am suddenly not 'feeling' healthy. My ankles are swelling randomly and for no apparent reason. I feel 'sick' but also for no apparent reason. All the tests show 'I'm good' just like I always thought I was. But I'm not. That being said, I am a new reader. I will follow you whether you choose to stay overweight or choose to lose weight. This blog details YOUR journey. Mine details mine. And as long as we are good with our own journeys we have plenty of room to support everyone else. :D

    http://themiscellaneousmom.blogspot.com

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  4. Eggs are really good for you. The bad cholesterol has proven to be negligible and the good cholesterol plus protein, fat etc makes the egg (and milk but that's another story) the 'perfect' food. MFP doesn't know what it's talking about.

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  5. The eggs comment above it the truth. MFP gets really annoying. I really like your comment above. ^

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  6. 1.) Thank you for being excited that I'm back. Rough couple of months.

    2.) I think that my problem is that old feminist adage, "The personal is political." and where I know that my decisions ultimately have to be what I want, what I do does say something about my politics. I think its a valid concern. When I was talking to some friends who are very body positive, this came up. And I am still conflicted by this process. I have read about how size doesn't determine health, but most of the research does support weight loss for fat people. I can't help but think as I get older, mobility will get harder-- especially if I'm carrying extra weight.

    But there is an emotional side to wanting to lose the weight too, you know. I get all sorts of street harassment from people, and for years I wouldn't eat in public. Sometimes, my feelings about my weight stop me from doing fun things. I think about losing weight because I can control this, you know? Like, getting called the n-word and other things I can't control. But if I lost some weight, it would be one less thing to be harassed about. Which is crazy to think, because patriarchy provides the environment that helps harassment flourish, but I still have those thoughts. Does that make sense?

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  7. Honestly, I hit post on this after I read toad your post. I was totally getting what you wrote. And it sucks because its a shitty way to feel-- like you have to do all this work, and feel hungry all. the. time. to make some progress, and you have to think about what you eat and ate all. the. time. At least in the beginning. And then, when you do eat something that you enjoy (like cake on my birthday) you feel like a failure. So you can't even enjoy your treat! Which is how this cult of thinness wants you to feel. Which is totally fucked up.

    I think that this is why I wanted to get this shit out in the open. Because it is very difficult to not feel this way when you are "dieting." Even people's (what is supposed to be positive) feedback and reinforcement enforce that you should be proud of your self-imposed food exile. Which is what it feels like; because no matter how good I feel as a result, I am still always thinking about food in some way.

    Even upon reflection, I didn't have an unhealthy relationship with food. I have always been fat. And active. But fat. Even when I was being treated for a brain tumor, I didn't lose that much weight. I never yo-yoed, or dieted before. I was a runner, and a triathlete, and fat. But I feel like I'm starting to have an unhealthy relationship with food. I am obsessed with it. I attach feeling of guilt with eating. Which is something I never did before. Hence my concerns.

    Dude, what is the answer?

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  8. I checked out you blog! Love it. I'm going to add you to my sidebar-- I hope that's ok.

    I totally agree with your post- and example. But my problem is that I'm not good with my own journey. Yet. I'm an over-thinker for sure. And if I have time to analyze it, I will. (I blame to years, and years in University.) I choose to lose weight. But I am on the precipice of a HUGE decision. My doctor thinks I should have surgery. And it is covered here in Canada for those who qualify. But do I want to lose weight "at all costs" or do I want to try it out with diet and exercise and weigh what I weigh? I don't know. Today I am against surgery, but last week, I really wanted to go through with it. I know what I want in the end, but which path...?

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  9. Oh man. What I can say is that I have no answers, I'll tell you that. I've pretty much always had an unhealthy relationship with food in one form or another. Not to an extreme, but enough that I've always eaten for comfort or eaten too much or...I don't know. I have a lot going on in my head and while I have the desire to be thinner - the main thing is I want to be HEALTHIER. I am not at all healthy. AT ALL. I am extremely out of shape and feeding my body junk all the time is just terrible. I have no desire to exercise or move when I'm fueling my body with nothing but junk. I also have to confess that I have had an ongoing struggle with major clinical depression and in the past several months, my anxiety has gotten out of hand, as well. This has contributed to me being all "I'll put whatever in my mouth will feel the most soothing." Because I've been not dealing with the depression & anxiety constructively. Anyway...I'm not trying to be all psycho-babble-y or blame my neurosis but...you know...it's all a cycle. The good news is I actually took steps and I started seeing a counselor so we are going to work on my self-esteem, managing how I cope and react to stress, how I talk to myself, how I soothe myself, and within all this, my food issues.
    I do think if someone is in a situation where they want to challenge themselves to lose ten pounds for whatever reason - okay. Probably we need to wonder why that person feels they need to lose those ten pounds...like, is it pressure, are they that unhappy with the ten, or is there a legitimate reason? Me? If weighing ten or twenty more pounds meant I'd be able to eat ice cream and enjoy food, etc. - bring on the enjoyment of life. Being thin isn't everything, but there are so many women who believe it is. But let's say it's a matter of...oh, twenty pounds of baby weight or something, I don't know. I guess there are situations where the "just get up and exercise and tweak your diet" method still works. But I do believe there are situations (including my own) where there are deep-rooted psychological or emotional issues at play and until those are addressed, anything else is just treating the symptom.
    I'm not meaning to speak of you....as you said, you've always just eaten what was good for your body and soul and also exercised and basically felt good. I don't know why people have such a hard time accepting that bodies that happen to be larger can also be glorious and gorgeous and sexy and awesome and healthy. But at the same time, you mentioned that recently you find yourself having an unhealthy relationship with food - and I have to say kudos to you for noticing that and for not going the "I need to control every bite!" By exploring it (and blogging about it!) you are being so brave and honestly, inspiring me. :) Whoa. Long email. Oops. Later gator.

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